I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve attempted to write a blog post this year. They all start with high hopes but end with a blank screen, except for this one, which I’d better hurry up and post before I delete it as well. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but rather, I have so much to say that I can’t find a way to whittle it down into a coherent readable piece, and by the time I am able to, my thoughts have completely changed and the to-be post is irrelevant.
But I miss you, and I don’t want this break to become forever just because I can’t articulate my goings on, so I’m forcing myself this morning, while baby naps and the kids make pipe cleaner crafts at VBS, to stop over analyzing, reaheat my coffee, and just share.
Have you ever gotten to a place in your life…perhaps right after a big change, or maybe after a long stretch of no change…maybe you’re in it now…where you stopped and looked around and realized you’re lost? Or at least, you think you’re lost. Feels like lost. Things seemed really mapped out before. Familiar landmarks passed by as you marched on down the road, whistling a happy tune. Then all of the sudden, you look up and realize you’ve wandered off the path into unknown territory. At first, you’re frantic to get “back on track,” but the more you try, the further you seem to get, and then after awhile, you don’t even know if you want to find your way back to that path- and that’s when your mind really starts to get the best of you. Why did you wander off in the first place? Were you on the wrong path? Maybe a new, better path will emerge? Should you try to blaze a new trail, or are you just destined to wander and regret what feels like failure? It’s scary. It’s confusing. And that’s when you just stop to hide out for awhile…to wait, to fret a bit (or a lot), and to pray, even though at this juncture your prayers are feeling like your blog posts- a page full of nothing.
I think that’s where I’ve been these past months. Hiding out. Admittedly frustrated that I wandered off what seemed like a clear path….of quilt-making and book-writing and fabric-designing and blogging, and even of homeschooling. I’ve not done any of those things this past 6 months…some longer. I felt guilty and was confused at why my sewing room was literally the last room that I chose to unpack in our new house. It wasn’t that I was too busy…I was subconsciously pushing it to the side. I wish I could articulate why, but I can’t, which is why my blog has been so silent as of late.
Some call it a healthy break. Inside it felt more like a crisis of emotions. But the search for clarity has brought me to some really important realizations about my identity (and how it isn’t tied to any of the things listed in my Instagram profile), and about meaning, and faith.
The kids and I studied insects in science last year, so a chrysalis is coming to mind. I’m realizing that I wasn’t actually lost. Hidden, perhaps…withdrawn from some parts of my life, maybe, but definitely not stagnant. What felt like standing in place was more of a journey than I could possibly have seen except in hindsight. What an incredible comfort to realize that even when I feel the most lost, the most confused, the most broken, that I’m exactly where I need to be for God to do a great work in me. I can’t see it when I’m in that cocoon, feeling trapped in the dark, but oh to bust out and see those beautiful wings.
So I’m busting out, renewed, and in many ways changed, and I can’t wait to see what adventure lies around the next bend.
Happy Independence Day, to all you fellow Americans, and a big hug to all of you! I’ve missed you so, and am so happy to be back with you here on the blog.